Either way, I’m really disturbed by how much the relationships that we have (or had) can reign so long and so intense in our heads. Like nothing else even matters. At least that’s how I see it.

What’s freedom, money, power, satisfaction, happiness, and sadness if we have no one to share it with or nothing to do with it?

We all eventually learn something that makes us feel as though everything we knew before was wrong. It makes us feel like a child playing in a sand box.

We can create new things and knock them down immediately afterwards to make room for other new things and we aren’t saddened by it because the process is what makes us happiest.

I love that! It’s what living in the moment is all about! You don’t care about what went on a few days ago or what’s going on in a few hours. Your focus is fully on the sand that’s sifting between your fingers.

But we don’t understand that anymore. We love to talk about how we should live in the here and now and nod approvingly when others repeat us, but we have no clue what we’re talking about; and it makes me upset to know that even I have no clue what I’m talking about.

A moment of clarity; that’s all this really is.

I know we aren’t doing things right. It’s not because the scriptures are telling me what’s right and what’s wrong. It’s because we all know, within our spirits, when something we have done is wrong, but we deny it and put on a mask that no one likes.

And we lie, cheat, play games, and our beauty becomes ugly.

The thoughts invade us even while we sleep and we don’t want to think that it’s our spirit that is trying to talk to us because that would be painful.

There is so much to learn. There are books that teach us the way to live in happiness and we say that we don’t have the time to read them!

We’ve become scared of change and freedom.

We’ve even become scared of love.

Why?

I seem to be behind on so many projects that should have been finished so long ago. It’s really over whelming to think about it all.

Classes started and I know this semester is going to be such a horrible hassle with my six classes all being online. That means teaching myself everything and keeping organized at the same time. If you don’t get it by now, time management isn’t my greatest strength. Still, maybe this semester will teach me to be better at holding to my schedules. Baptism by fire.

Stop wasting time.

That’s a good new years resolution to have because it can literally mean anything.

Wasting time on what? School, work, relationships…?

Either way, I’m going to try to say what I’m thinking more often; make myself a little more transparent. You know, to see if people like me as much as I think I like myself.

Until next time,
J.Schay

Love this life, full of strife.

Looking for a moment, any one that holds for more than a minute, but she only listens to the clown for thoughts that end in laughter.

Still it’s sad, that I’m mad.

Let it go; hope to grow.

The second time: I’m the fool, looking for another tool; but it’s a Pity, that I’m not so witty. I think of change and just act strange.

Now that I have a chance. We’ll be alone; I’ll show her what a man I’ve grown; but I come off, saying lines that come from mouths that aren’t mine.

And now I don’t know what to think… me and this girl aren’t so in sync.

The rest of the night is smiled away while I’m hoping it’ll be okay, but deep inside all I know is how to let nothing show, so I’ll keep doing my own best and go hoping that I’ll be blessed.

I spent the night; eyes were tight, thinking still of what a thrill. Well it really is a Pity, that me and her would be so pretty.

I think we all feel like that sometimes, right?

Mechanical Fish In Salted Waters

Welded together, but torn apart; it made some sense in the start.
On pale paper, plans look so pretty.

Still, other things I’ve seen before ended the same and so I swore that this would be a new kind of city.

I was made to survive in this… some sort of bonded bliss. Yet, malfunction
has got me floating down.

And they told me that I’d be dead. My wires should be cut and red, but open me up; you’ll be surprised with what you find.

A gear that beats instead of turns; chip that repeats instead of learns.

I feel like a wound that’s been mistreated.

But my programing was made for this, a hardware that does not exist. I’m not sure if I was ever completed– ’cause I feel so defeated, lost, confused, and depleted.

I don’t belong in the midst of that which I can’t exist. I’ll have to wait, next time I’ll be more witty.

But it’s all okay I’ll fix me soon and return to that pond under the moon.

They’ll all line up because at least I’m still pretty.

With love, always,
J.Schay

I’m learning a lot while doing this– it’s great.

Lately I’ve been trying to add things to my portfolio so I could apply to Ringling with some decent pieces behind my name. It’s been interesting to work with different mediums, like charcoal.

I only wish I could upload some things I’ve been doing on larger format paper but sadly I don’t have a proper scanner for that..

Awell, this is what I did this morning for about two or three hours. It’s a painting of a baby owl for my Aunt.

I’ll show you what it looks like when it’s done.

Till then, much love and peace to you all.

J.Schay

School has been kicking my butt for the past couple of weeks and it won’t be getting any easier anytime soon. Somehow I decided that my 14 credit schedule was too easy so I’ll be taking 18 credits next semester (this happens to be the max number of credits I can take).

My plans after that are to attend Ringling College of Art and Design and study Illustration.

I’ve always loved digital art so when I actually bought my first Wacom tablet I decided to take a whack at the medium.

It was tough..

As I played with it I got more involved in the culture of the digital artist and I began to love it.

So I decided to take a break from battling the math monster and paint a quick little something and hence the little Octopus/Jellyfish guy you see was born.

I’m excited to think that I’ll be going to school to learn something I love.

I’m excited to know that I’ll have my family and friends to support this.

I’m excited for the future.

But most importantly, I’m excited for now.

Love you,
J.Schay

Heart which was kind,
What is it like to unwind?

Heart which was kind,
I think it’s all in my mind..

Signed at the foot
Should be a “love,”
But I just can’t put
Feelings I’m void of..

Heart which was kind,
I must be so blind..

Heart which was kind,
Please, tell me what you find!

This letter I wrote,
Mailed to the world,
Did all to promote
Bad feelings that swirled..

Heart which was kind,
We’ll end up aligned.

Heart which is kind,
Forgive and be refined..